I tried in a few different ways to simulate how little sleep Hanna was getting, and how it was affecting her perception of time. In school I lived across from a 24-hour Dunkin Donuts, and found myself there before dawn regularly for no particular reason, drinking soda in the dead of night. There was something enchanting about the city actually shutting down and a quiet emerging. I purported to be busy in those days, and certainly I was, but I wasn't actually getting work done at night. It was a sort of combination of escape and self-reproach, to chase my anxiety into the dead of night, where the next day of school or work seemed like an eternity away, and nobody I knew was outside or online. I was alone with my bad feelings. I had neither comfort nor distraction, though the silent city and the internet signaled the promise of both.
4 thoughts on “OTSAN #4”
Da5id
Beautiful.
cwbuecheler
I went to art school (Pratt) for a single semester in 1995 before leaving because I didn't like it very much (also because I was a lazy jerk with no work ethic). I then floundered around and ended up at Buffalo State in computer information systems. I didn't like that either, but didn't know what else to do with my life. So, the first semester I made some effort and did pretty well. The second semester I ended up with a roommate who never stayed in the dorm, and I became almost entirely nocturnal. I stopped going to classes, and would get up around 3 PM, then stay up all night making computer music, teaching myself to build websites (long before any college offered any such program), and playing video games, then hit the sack around 7 AM. I would often trek to the local 24 hour grocery store in the dead-ass middle of the night to buy cigarettes and junk food, and those walks had that same kind of weird, hallucinatory, "everything seems an eternity away" feeling that you're describing. Like the whole world was mostly switched off. It's peaceful even if it's also really grim and lonely.
cwbuecheler
Oh, for anyone wondering how it all worked out, I was eventually put on academic probation for a year, which has lasted for, uh … twenty-three years. I went home, had the "I basically just failed out of school" convo with my parents (never felt so ashamed in my life) and quickly gained a work ethic when I started trying to live on $6.50/hr. I've been a professional web developer for 22 years now, though, so … at least those nights were useful! I do not, however, recommend my path as one anyone else should follow.
Tangerine
"I stopped going to [work when I was laid off], and would get up around [1-]3 PM, then stay up all night [on the internet], then hit the sack around [3-]7 AM. I would often [ride my bike for exercise] in the dead-ass middle of the night [which] had that same kind of weird, hallucinatory, "everything seems an eternity away" feeling that you're describing. Like the whole world was mostly switched off. It's peaceful even if it's also really grim and lonely."
Haha with minor changes it's my life for the past three months.